Thoughts of mine

I’m not quite sure why I’m writing this or even what this will turn out to be.  I’m sure there’s a name for this form of writing, maybe journaling or something of the like.   I guess I just need to talk and ramble if not for anything but my own sanity. 

Seems like the past year and half has been nothing but a blurr of craziness.  Moving into a new home early last year, C.J.’s father passing, financial troubles, job worries, and the COVID “pandemic” that has turned what seems to be 50% of the population into sheep who feed off of fear mongering from the media.  Extreme partisanship from both sides of the isle have divided friends, groups, organizations, workplaces, the country and the world.

With all of this craziness happening all around me I often fight becoming depressed, anxious, scared by focusing on the only thing I really can that’s most important, and that’s providing and protecting my family.   I mean, as a married man with a family to care for, what nobler of a pursuit could I chase other than doing all I can to provide for them.  It keeps me busy for sure.  Too much stress comes along with providing for a family to let myself become distracted by things that are out of my control. 

Taking care of my family is obviously my priority, but I believe it’s also very important to take care of yourself too, similarly to how you’re supposed to put your own oxygen mask first prior to your children on a plane.  I do this in a number of ways, some are better for me than others, some are a better use of my time than others, but oftentimes doing the most sensible thing isn’t necessarily the best thing or even the right thing to do when it comes to your own mental health and self care.  

I’ve been teaching myself slowly over the course of the past few years to let myself be reasonably selfish when I recognize that I need to.  I would get guilty and even be guilted by others when I’d want to do something or go somewhere or spend a little money when I really wanted to, but have since realized, over time, that it’s ok to enjoy your own life and be “reasonably selfish” when the opportunity arises.  

Take for example, on my drive home after work, I would normally rush home as quickly as I could as I felt guilty being away all day from my wife and kids.  I’d maybe see a store that I’ve been wanting to stop in and check out for myself, but I wouldn’t allow myself to “waste” the time.  Doing this inadvertently made me feel as if I was trapped in a sense. 

Small scenarios like going to the store is how I escape from the mundane tasks of everyday life.  Going to that happy place in my mind and letting my thoughts run wild with ideas, hope and curiosity about a myriad of things and topics.  The world truly is beautiful if you stop to enjoy it, but most people (myself included) forgets this when we get wrapped up in the hustle and bustle of life.  

Speaking of the mundane, hustle and bustle of life, at times during all of this process called life I ask myself “if this is it”?  Is this all there is?  Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful for my wife, kids, house, food and health, but I can’t help but shake the feeling that I’m being cheated out of some achievement or experience that would leave me feeling more fulfilled.  I don’t think I’d necessarily be happier if on my deathbed I looked back at an thriving empire I created or something like that, but I guess I can’t really put my finger on it exactly.   

I believe in perspective and have a very stoic view of life.  I expect hardships, tragedy, troubles and eventually death, after all, these are aspects of life for all who have existed and to ignore them would only set myself up for disappointment.  So me seeing life from that aspect helps me often to stop and smell the roses of life more often than I believe the average person does.  I don’t think this makes me better or smarter than anyone, but I am grateful I see things through this lens when so many don’t seem to, at least from my perspective anyway. 

I’m always coming up with new ideas and ventures, I often get excited at the possibility of something new happening and the prospect of success in whatever that venture is at that time.  I guess I’d consider myself an entrepreneur in a sense, yet I have no capital, investors, or really any specific plans, only ideas.  I sometimes wish that was a job, just to come up with ideas, new ideas covering a wide array of topics, industries and issues.  I would have a never ending supply. 

I’ve also been working (mentally) on making myself less “lazy” I guess.  There IS a fine line between taking time for yourself like I said earlier and being a little selfish and just being flat out lazy and wasting precious time.  Moderation is key in this situation as well as all others, but it’s hard to motivate at times.   This balance, that I know to be important, is surely the obstacle I face when working towards greatness in any endeavor I pursue.  What’s the best way to do this though?

The fluctuation of emotions in our daily lives is likely what prevents most of us from being consistent when it comes to finding moderation between work, pleasure, success and failure.  What constitutes success and failure though? Your form or success might be measured differently than my own, same for failure.  Maybe I need to sit down and determine for myself what I consider a successful life would look like to me.   That might be the starting point for continuing the rest of my life from this point on.  

“The fluctuation of emotions in our daily lives is likely what prevents most of us from being consistent when it comes to finding moderation between work, pleasure, success and failure.” – Gary Phipps

I’m ending this entry now and will pick up at a later time and ponder exactly what I consider to be my successful aspirations of life. 

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